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Saturday, May 10, 2003

I was depressed. Okay, add in numb.... angry... with myself... with the paper.... with the markers... pissed off with myself.... Was so sure of myself, especially since i went through all my books at least..... 5/6 times??? think i can basically recite the bloody whole books out liao.... What did i do wrong? what did i not answer?? Am i so unsure of all the answers?? Or am I just book-smart, but can't apply the information for nuts?? sometimes i wonder.... am i really in the right course?? Am i strong enough to conquer being overseas? Being extremely independent? Being able to have the possibility to sacrifice family life??

Ok... I just got back my third year results. I passed, but just barely. I started early on, meaning, started studying by March, for the papers at the end of April. Went through my books... went through past year papers... Started early, worked hard. Guess I just don't know my work well enough. Why am I depressed over such a small thing?? Yeah, I know that there are loads of bigger issues out there, what with war and SARS, poverty and health. But I believe that if you can't handle yourself and your issues, why should u bother with the world at large? You should be able to handle yourself first, before concerning yourself with others, then you'll be able to avail your usefulness. =)

I've worked hard, yet results dun come. I mean, I wasn't expecting that I got the highest marks or anything like that, but an excellence (>75%) would be gd, esp since that's what I've gotten since coming to med sch. But this serves to show me that I am not invincible, and am in fact, VERY fall-able. I shouldn't be complacent, which I, of course, hope I am not. However, it just irks me that my best is not enough! In fact, is it 'my best' in the first place? It is usually human nature to compare yourself with others, especially when you're raised in the system of being with the best, and competing with the cream of the crop. But the good thing is that, although I know the other singaporean's results, I'm not that affected, simply becoz I've been competing with myself, not with others.

When I saw my results, the first thing which came to mind was 'Have I let my parents down?' After all, they have spent so much on me already, a very expensive investment. Then came anger and irritation and sadness. What with all the work I've done... Questions flit through my mind.... Have I been playing too much? Should I have NOT gone for my short break? Have I busied myself too much, what with choir and HCN and now, being in the SMSL com?? Am I spending too much as well? Have my priorities changed? Most importantly, **what have I done wrong??**

Came home, and thought for a while.... Justification came in. Although initially, I was busy with HCN and dance practices, I really enjoyed it, and I can say that it didn't really affect my work. In fact, it made me work harder, and prioritise better, set aside time for work and rest. And yes, I've been spending more this year, simply becoz I've been going out more, and not living like a hermit like for the past 2 years. It came to mind that there was more to life than studies. I was beginning to socialise more, make new friends, catching up with old ones. Ultimately, I organised everything, with studies always coming first. I made sure I did my work. Then came the thought that I should be happy and glad that I passed, coz there were quite a number who didn't. BUT I DIDN'T JUST WANT A PASS! I expected more than a pass. Yes, yes, studies is not everything, but to me, it is, esp when it is my parents paying loads to finance my study. How I wish there was a scholarship or a bank loan I could get to finance it, then at least I MYSELF will be responsible for my own expenses. =( ARGHhhhh...... There is so much more abt this that only 2 people... and 1 was the person who went on the trip with me. Don't know why I told him that also. =/

Okay... enough whining. What should I do now?
1) Work hard for the coming terms. Be consistent. Then again, I've more or less been consistent for the past year, so what went wrong?? argh....
2) Don't play around that much. Then again, I've been spending in my budget for the month! Besides I've always been thrifty. Perhaps I should take out that amount of money for the month? Nah... not a gd idea...
3) Stay home more? Read more? Do less of other activities, and study more?
I think I'll go nutters... I've done more this year, than I've done in the years since I've come over. I was involved with HCN, SMSL, choir, worked out aka exercised more, read more fiction books and magazines/journals, did teaching for my juniors, played a bit more guitar, learnt how to d/l movies, and the different types of files, etc.

Anything else I should do?? Any suggestions... let me know... think i've done enough whining for now....
perhaps it should be time for reflections instead....

| Zena caught a falling star on 1:43 pm.