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Monday, May 26, 2003

the overview of the trip & my feelings

That is the synopsis of my easter trip. At a couple of points along the trip, I wanted to tell SF of my feelings, but I held back, and decided to maintain our friendship, rather than jeopardizing it, even before I got to know him better. Then again, becoz of this trip, I think I know him better, as well as his living habits. It’s hard not to notice, especially when you’re with a person for 24 hours for a week. All I can say is that I had hoped that the trip would prove me wrong, but it has proved otherwise. I like what I have seen. =)

Haiz… complicated…. Both of us have talked about it, and he feels that he wants to concentrate on building his career, and he is very happy and busy with his life at the moment, and he doesn’t want anything to change. Moreover, he says that he has not met anyone who has invoked such feelings in him that he wants to actively chase someone. Similarly for me, I want to establish my career, and I am busy as hell (even though I seem to be online a lot!), with school (humongously a LOT!), the SMSL committee, choir, and teaching my juniors, as well as trying to settle my SSM, and deciding what to do during summer, whether to go back home or not, whether to move to a cheaper accommodation for next year, etc.

But I feel as if something is still missing in my life. Perhaps someone to share all this with me. I don’t want to wait until I’m an old spinster, before thinking about settling down and having a family. It’s very difficult to move my heart, and usually I’m pretty immune to such feelings, but when someone invokes such feeling in me, I wonder if I should go ahead and pursue them, or let nature take its course. However, I’m not a person to just wait around. I’m a go-getter, and I don’t believe in something just coming your way. You have to work for it. But with relationships, I’m pretty conservative, in the sense that I wouldn’t tell a guy outright that I liked him, but I would give him subtle signs. If he gets them and acts on them, whether to chase or to reject, it’s fine, at least you know where you stand. But if he is too dense or just chooses to ignore, that is what drives me up the wall. Right now, the inertia to be single is great, but itching to do something is not a good thing, esp when he’s studying for his exams at the moment. I don’t want to distract him or anything like that, but I think he’s gotten the hints. Haiz… what should I do??

Perhaps I should just be a hermit, and throw myself in my work, and not bother about things like that. But it’s hard to, esp when you’re human. Sometimes feelings get the better of you. But I can’t function like that. I used to be so emotionally strong, oblivious to whatever people think of me, and what my feelings are of people, but now, that wall has crumbled, and I don’t know why or how it happened. Maybe I’m just going soft. Maybe I’m yearning for love and company, esp over here. Maybe I just want the thrill of chasing someone, or vice versa, as it’s been a long time since that has happened. Hmm… What I do know is that I want to ace the neurology and psychiatry exams in 6 weeks time, to make up for my pathetic results in the 3rd year exam, and esp since I’m enjoying it so far. =)

Okay, this has been long enough. Over and out for now.

| Zena caught a falling star on 1:44 pm.