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Tuesday, June 10, 2003
What is motivation? What is kiasu-ism? Is it the same? The Oxford Dictionary states 'motivation' as 'to stimulate the interest of, to inspire'.Why is there motivation? Of what use is motivation? What IS motivation? Is it just to enable us to get things done? What 'causes' motivation?
These thoughts just struck my head, as I screamed into my pillow. I feel exhausted. I feel drained. I feel aimless. I feel UN-motivated. Why?? I don't know. What I do know is that right now, I'm wondering, why is it that I am doing that I am? Is medicine my dream come true? Or was I following someone else's dream? On the other hand, is this not about what I'm studying at all, but about something else?
I just feel so lost now. I don't have the energy to carry on. Although I know that there are things to be done, and I know what to do, I don't feel the MOTIVATION to do anything at all. I just feel dead, like a puppet, on its last tattered strings, ready to fall anytime. Friends and acquaintances, though numerous, offer a temporary shimmer of light, amongst a tunnel of darkness. Family serve as a glimpse of hope, with a hand reaching into the dark, to try to bring me back from insanity or from space.
Where can I go to search for my aim? What can I do to find myself? What actions should I take to bring my motivation back?
I used to be quiet, observant, always reflecting, which evolved to being exuberant, social, helpful, and striving to improve, and now, I don't know what to describe myself. Perhaps this is just a phase. Perhaps this is not. All I do know is that this feeling has been steadily growing for the past year. There seems to be an intrinsic pull that is painfully extracting me from my environment, my surroundings, ME. I have done what I thought could have stemmed it, but to no avail. There is no peace of mind. Now, I just feel like giving up.
Nothing seems to be of meaning anymore. Nothing.