Term B Results

Dear Blog,

I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I'm either very pissed off, or very devastated, but I am not numb. when I came back today, my housemates told me that my group's results for the previous term's exams are out on the board. Went to play a bit of squash first. The squash felt good. Running/bouncing/dancing around the court, smashing the ball with all my might into the wall, and getting it bounced back to me, and hitting it with all my might again. Good de-stressor. Little did i know that it was to provide for my results. After squash, went into school, and saw the board. What i was hoping and expecting for was not that. I was crushed by what I saw. Though I managed to pass, that's not what I was aiming for. Considering that the paper was relatively easy (lots of people had distinctions), we were told of some of the questions, i studied really hard for this, i thought i had understood this term even better than last term, i put in more effort in the firm as well as my reports, my all - 200%, and yet, it is not enough. Either that, or I'm studying the wrong way, or i'm doing the wrong things.

Through these 2 years, my confidence has plummeted ten-fold since yr 3 exams. There, I knew where i went wrong. It was a huge shock, i admit, but it was a gd wake-up call. Since then, I've been consistent, I've been hardworking, I've been diligent in learning, and not just mugging. Is there such a thing that one cannot study anymore? That one has lost the ability to study? I think I might fall into that category, if there is one. I've lost the ability to score, even though i know what the structure of the exam questions. I've lost the motivation to try, to do my best, despite picking myself up from the ground each time I stumbled. I've lost the belief that I can make my parents proud. Instead, I'm wondering why the hell am I here, enjoying what I'm doing, but not excelling in it. I've lost the confidence to be what I want to be, and now I'm just wandering aimlessly, a lone figure in the darkness, doing my own thing, wondering if it will amount to anything, wanting to go back standing tall and proud, but scared to face anyone and be confronted. It's as if I'm a fraud. Am I being someone or something which I'm not supposed to be??? Someone, please tell me. I've been reflecting so much that all my thoughts are conflicting and jumbled, and I don't trust myself to speak or even to think sometimes. Help me help myself, please.

| Zena caught a falling star on 10:09 pm.