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Sunday, April 24, 2005

Some of you guys were wondering why my MSN nic was changed. It was because something happened. Or rather, I received bad news. When I least expected it.

Tuesday night. I came home early, and was getting ready to start studying, after having dinner. And there, at 8pm, I received a call. Not recognising the number, I was puzzled and picked up my mobile to answer it. Hearing the caller identify herself, it was as if time had stopped. Whatever she said to me, was a blur. It's as if I was walking in a forest full of mist and fog, and trying to listen for sounds to lead me out.

It turned out that there were 16 people who didn't get any of the 10 choices they put down for jobs. I am one of them. I never expected that I would be one of them. After all, I put down, as a couple of choices, my shadows in Chichester. I thought that would be my safety net, seeing as howI was offered a job at the end of the attachment. According to the caller, yes, I was chosen by some of the consultants that were my choices, only that they didn't choose me high enough, or when they did, my choice of the post/consultant was not high enough. Plus, my choices were postings which were very popular, supposedly.

I was devastated. I was in shock. After I put down the phone, I just stared at the piece of paper where I wrote down the available postings, unable to believe my ears. I called Stan, and lo and behold, halfway through the call, I broke down. Guess that was because my confidence took a very big plunge. It felt as if I was worthless, so lousy that none of my postings wanted me. It felt like deja-vu all over again, similar to the time when I went for the NUS interview, but that time, I expected it. Still, it hurts. This time, it's as if my heart and motivation flew out the window. I was aimless.

After a long talk with Stan and Darren, I pulled myself together and got my head round it. It's not a reflection on me. I started to do something constructive, finding out details about the new postings, especially since I only had till Friday to make the decision whether I wanted one of those left, or go into the clearing pool of the London Deanery and take a chance of going elsewhere not in south England. I wasn't willing to take that chance. So I was trying to decide between taking a posting near London (but doing 8 months of Gen med/geriatrics) vs posting further away from London (but doing Paediatrics/gen med, which is what I want to do - the Paeds bit). Considering how everyone else would be vying for Paeds posts in F2, I might as well do it now since it's served to me on a platter. After all, even if I choose Paeds in F2, I might not get it, given the numerous number of applicants for a limited number of posts).

And so now, it's just more waiting, and hoping and praying. To see what I get. I hope to high heaven that it will be Paeds.

Over the new couple of days, I heard of people who have BScs (and gotten first class honours and several publications) that they are part of the 16 people as well. The news didn't make me feel better. It has made me wonder at the new system, where people who have worked hard weren't rewarded for their hard work. Ridiculous, isn't it?

Sib was so kind and nice. She saw that I was in a bit of the downer-mood on Wed, and she bought me a card to cheer me up. =) Kiran was really helpful too. JTI called me yesterday to see how I was doing, seeing as how he heard from Kiran about me being devastated and all (although his first sentence was how he called to gloat, but really seeing as how I'm not lousy at all, he can't do that, and just that my order of choices of postings was wrong, etc. It's a warped conversation really - "How are you in yourself?" - where I'm guessing he thought I was suicidal because of this, etc, but ultimatley, he was being really kind and concerned.) Dee knows and ever the logical one, has listened to me.

Looking up at the posters which I have up on the walls of my room, I am reminded of little snippets of truth.

'When a door closes, another window opens. All you have to do is find it and grasp the opportunity.

Disappointments are loke road humps, they slow you down a bit but you enjoy the smooth road afterwards. Don't stay on the humps too long. Move on!

*When you feel down because you didn't get what you want, just sit tight and be happy, because God is thinking of something better to give you. *

When something happens to you, good or bad, consider what it means. There's a purpose to life's events, to teach you how to laugh more or not to cry too hard.

*God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way.*'

Now I feel as though I need back to go to church. Heh.

But I do know, in my heart, that all this happens for a reason.

Someone up there is watching over me, over us. Take heart and have hope.